I was turning on the inside, disappointed with the performance, feeling like a pessimist, forcing a smile… Deep down I wondered if I was in the wrong place.
“Finally! Great to get that win!” one of my player’s parents said after the game.
But I didn’t feel that way at all actually. What’s wrong with me? I wondered.
They’re seven-year-old girls playing basketball. Why was I so bothered by the celebrations for our first win, after three consecutive losses.
“Yes, great!” I muttered back.
But I was stirring inside; I was so not satisfied. In fact, I was disturbed, not by our performance, but by the focus – the questions people had, the statements about winning, losing, scoring.
We hadn’t won a game yet this year, and still, the win didn’t feel good for me. It was actually mostly irrelevant to me. (Yes… maybe I’m not meant to coach, I’ve considered that!)
Two days later, I was re-reading Robert Cooper’s book, The Other 90%, when I came across these words that encouraged me… Maybe I didn’t have to retire from my 5-week coaching career just yet. Maybe I would be okay.
“The failures of others can make it appear that you are just fine or are advancing when, in truth, you’re standing still.”
YES!! That’s what it was. We were not better in that game, the other team had less talent. We didn’t improve. We didn’t execute any better. The other team was less experienced. Smaller, younger. But I could feel the essence of ‘a win’ from the parents and team.
“They’re getting there! Seeing improvement!”
I knew what they meant, but my truth in that moment, was that we were not. That was not the case. We didn’t improve ourselves in that game. We just played a weaker team, and we were deceived into thinking we were better. We were in Cooper’s words ‘standing still’.
I’ve been sitting with this concept for almost a week now. And listen I get it. I know it is supposed to be light for the girls at this age, and fun is number one, absolutely! Yet, parents still talking about the ‘win’ days later was wearing on me.
In sports, you notice quickly that you’re comparing yourself to others. Wins and Losses. Strength of schedule. In schools we do this too, data, performance, more data, aggregating data in so many different ways. Comparing.
But how about comparing ourselves to the best version of who we were last week? Taking the ‘loss’ and having gotten better at passing, improved form in our shooting, quicker feet movement on defense. That to me feels like a better ‘win’, then a scoreboard that didn’t reflect much other than the other team’s lack of experience.
I realized too that the ‘win’ was carrying a false sense of security for my team. Our confidence should be coming from a deep knowing that we are improving, growing, learning. Not because someone else’s skillset was less developed, less experienced, or lacking resources.
As I reflected on my own athletic career, I realized I was always more interested in my performance than a win. I was (and am) hard on myself when I find my effort lacking, or that I make the same mistake again. (I continue to work on having grace for all of that as well!) But what I know is that both as a player and coach, “Did you win?” never felt like the right question. It never did. It felt incomplete in many ways.
So, I offer these thoughts to inspire some time for reflection, some time to notice how you hold the win or the loss. How you can embody, model, and teach the great satisfaction of learning, growth, and improvement. The questions you can ask after games…
- What made you feel good about your performance today? What went well? What did the team do well? What was your role in that?
- Where did you wish you were better today? What got in the way?
- What was your highlight on offense? Defense?
- How did it compare to your last game?
- Who did you make better today? Who did you make look good?
- What was most fun? What are you looking forward to doing in the next game?
And I get it. I understand sports. The ups and downs. The emotional rollercoaster. I’m a fan. I’m a coach. I’m a player. I understand that yes, there are times when the trophy only goes to the winner. But in the race of life, the winners are those who are not superior to others, but to their former selves.
Wishing you appreciation for all the game teaches us all – our coaches, our players, our fans.
For the love of the game