“Wait, let me get this right… you’re telling me to talk to my kids about their friends’ romantic relationships? You’re telling me to ask what they think of them? And how they’re going?”
What?!?!?!?
“Yes,” replied the UCLA professor, Andrew Fuligni. “Yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying.”
Dr. Fuligni went on to explain – talking with our children about their relationships can be extremely challenging, but you can learn a lot and teach a lot by discussing and watching others. Asking them about their friends’ relationships can give you insight into what they are thinking, prioritizing, and wondering about.
You can use movies and tv as well, keep it less personal, yet get in lots of downloads, as well as perspectives.
I found many integrations last week as I joined the panel discussion: Love in Adolescence 2024: Beyond SexEd–A Panel Discussion on What Youth Could Be Learning About Building Healthy Relationships.
For the past few weeks, I’ve been taking my 8-year-old daughter to watch the local high school basketball teams. I wanted her to see the girls play at that level, maybe get inspired, and have a greater appreciation for just being active and playing. My daughter is just beginning basketball, so I want her to see what it looks like full out! Get a good vision for what’s possible in the game.
After the first game, unbeknownst to me, the boys too were playing.
Surprisingly, she wanted to stay and see them as well, so we did the double header.
Since I also happen to be coaching her 2nd/3rd grade basketball team, quite organically I just jumped into coaching as if we were sitting on the bench…
Watch, #11, watch her feet move… Check out #8, see how her hands are creating a target for the ball..
Three weeks later, and into the playoffs, she’s hooked. She knows their names and she instigates me…
Let’s watch #7 now on the other team… We dial in… We watch his movements, his feet, we dissect his eyes and what he is looking at .. how he can see both the ball and the basket.
Then we move on… Let’s watch #55 she shifts…
We watch #55 and see how she pivots and switches players to guard when it gets crowded in the key. We watch how she dives on the floor and while doing so is looking at who she will pass it to when she gets the ball.
In the midst of our non-coaching, I realized what a safe space this was for learning. And how fun it was!
I was not coaching my daughter; I was listening to what she was noticing. To what was jumping out at her. To what was interesting, exciting, to her…
When I heard Dr. Fuligni and the panel discussing, yes! Of course, talk about the other relationships – watch and observe your friends, the characters on tv, in the movies. Notice what your kids are noticing.. what they are interested in.. what’s appealing to them. And appalling to them!! It will give you great insight. It will be safer. It will be light. And most importantly, it will teach and guide you where you get to go with them next.
For me and my daughter, now she’s interested in their out-of-bounds plays as we’ve been working on our own at practice. Now, she’s comparing and taking some ideas back to the team.
But the tool is transcendent, I realized. Dr. Fuligni is talking about romantic relationships, I’m talking about basketball skills… what is something that you’d like to dig into with your child…. how can you create some space and de-personalize the tools and skills?
Our loves and heartbreaks during adolescents can be both some of the most exhilarating and painful experiences in our entire lives… of course they are worth talking about. But the discomfort, the resistance can create big gaps.
So, see if you can create some ease.
Our relationships are so many things – yes, wonderful. Yes, complex. Often, messy. Often, beautiful. Frequently, uncomfortable too. Creating some mental and emotional space can bring about lightness and ease in the midst of what can feel very clunky and contracted.
Instead of working on my daughter’s layup, we just critique the others right now!
What’s working? What’s not? Why did that work? What got in the way? What could help? What do you think….
I feel so free with all this extra space. And I can sense my daughter does too….
For the love of all the games we play in life!